“A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture.”
I came by the assisted living a little more casually the other day, with some friends, and my buddy looks over at me and says, that the girl we’re hanging out with is actually “scared” of old people. Well, not “scared”, doesn’t “like” old people.
This is really unusual to me. But this is because I’ve been working with old people for the last three years. I see them almost everyday, so yeah, nothing really “scary” at all or not to “like”.
So I had to stop and think about this. Why would she think old people are scary or unlikeable? I think it has everything to do with our culture’s current view of the elderly. An unfortunate view, where they seem viewed as docile, sterile, done, and washed up.
Well the truth is, to a degree, this is a farce.
As I’ve worked with the elderly, there is still so much life in them. At times it is difficult to get them to see the potential that’s still in them, but there is plenty! Just because someone is 80 does not mean they no longer think like a human! They still know what is beautiful, and how to appreciate what is noble, right, or good. They still like to have fun, though their body limits what they can do. Although it is true, many of them can be gripy or whiners, more of them are the warmest, kindest people I know.
Older cultures commanded that we honor the elderly because they had paid their dues. They were hailed as the chiefs and the wise of society because of all they had seen. I think growing old is not something to be scared of. In it is experience, and therefore, if you direct the course of your life properly, wisdom and authority. Some of these folks have lived a whole century! The wealth of knowledge and life experience there far surpasses mine or anyone I know. True, it is not always easy to access, but it is there though dormant, alive.
Growing old isn’t something to be afraid of. It is something that is inevitable that we should be aware of. Granted, unavoidable life occurrences happen, but if we know that growing old is something to embrace than to run from, we’ll make better life decisions today to direct the course of our lives towards the older person we’d like to be.
“A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. ~Donna Roberts
I love this quote, and stuck it in the most recent Towncrier. I think the amazing thing about this quote in relationship to the elderly is that truthfully and sincerely, their memory is, quite frankly, failing. As I’ve said a lot of times, working with the elderly is rewarding in that you really start to think about life differently. I think of how crazy it must feel to be alive and have outlived all your old friends and relationships. How alone you must feel to an extent.
But then I remember, even now, they continue to make friends, young and old. Obviously with their children and grandchildren, but sometimes with the kids who drop by. Sometimes with college students who volunteer and help out. Sometimes with families who perform for them. And other times, with their new neighbor who they’ve never met in their life. And other times still, with myself.
And I think these friendships, the warmth and companionship that comes from them, keeps us all going. I can’t really explain the spiritual transcendence of friendship, but it’s like something connects with your heart and the next guy or gal, and they make your life make more sense. Like a puzzle piece that was always missing but wasn’t part of the puzzle until now. And so now, it makes me happy to see residents continue to make friendships and new bonds. It lets me know that their heart hasn’t forgotten the song or how to sing.
What is “Success”?
When do you feel like you’ve done something significant for your work?
I was flying back from a trip in Pennsylvania, and I swear I don’t usually do this: I read the magazines in the front pocket. You know. The ones in front of you next to the emergency card. I’m so embarassed.
Well, inside this magazine was a pretty neat article about the difference between my generation and every other generation. In particular, the magazine was about what Millenials (my generation) judge and determine as success or significance in their work which apparently makes us impossible to work with for our Baby Boomer and Gen-X bosses. We apparently seek to find significance in our work immediately, even at the ground level. If we do not, we may become difficult, antsy, or frustrated.
I read that article like a palm reader was telling me my whole life.
Hang onto that thought.
So recently, one of our residents, Ms. Fern Hammock, had a pretty bad fall. It was no one’s fault; her leg just gave way from time and wear. Fern is currently staying at a rehab which is a real bummer to Jean, her friend and walking mate here.
Jean and Fern are basically the best-friend couple you see all the time. If you see one, you’ll probably see the other. They played wii together, dominoes together, and even walked together (which is amazing because for the most part, it can be pretty tough to get the folks their age to get up and do some walking). As you can expect, the fall affected both of them—Fern would have to stay at rehab, and Jean would have to wait for her here.
My mom and I planned to drop by to visit Fern one day–just the usual “drop-by-and-check-up-on-your-residents-in-rehab”, and I had this crazy random thought: What if we did a video of Ms. Jean saying hello to Ms. Fern? It wouldn’t be hard–I have a video cam on my laptop.
So we did it. I asked Jean to drop into my office, to say a quick hello into the unfamiliar web-camera– just to give it a shot. She did marvelously, and recorded a short 20 second or so clip just saying hello and that she missed Fern—like a little digital web-card, if you will. We were done in 5 minutes or less.
***
When people ask me what kind of business my parents and I run, I say “assisted living”. When they say (and they often say), “Oh, like a nursing home!” I retaliate. “No. Not like a nursing home. Imagine retirement centers. Now imagine nursing homes. We’re somewhere in between.” We are not a nursing home, and we are not a rehabilitation center. These thoughts immediately came into my mind as I walked into Fern’s new rehab center.
It’s not that the center was bad. On the contrary, it was actually quite clean and well-furnished. Rehabs just serve a different purpose. Their facility is like … half-hospital, half home, sporting a robust nurse’s station with computers and such in the center, and with cold, tiled floors and blank hallways and room after room that looks like
and feels like
but isn’t necessarily
a hospital bed.
All this lead to Fern’s room.
We arrived and she was napping in her wheelchair. Gently, we knocked on her door and she immediately woke up, energized and refreshed to see us. My mom proceeded to shop-talk with her about medical things (which are mostly beyond me) as I hooked up the laptop and opened it in front of Ms. Fern.
“You’ve got somethin’ to show me?” Why yes. Yes, I did.
I pulled out Jean’s video file, and Ms. Fern was shocked to see her best friend talking to her! Someone who I’m sure felt so far away, now, all of a sudden, seemed so close. The message was short but the meaning was straight-forward and poignant. We all beamed as we watched the “interaction” between Ms. Fern and Ms. Jean, and I thought, “Wow, here’s technology making life better instead of faster.”
Fern finished watching and she was astounded and delighted. I asked her if she’d like to send a video back to Jean to which she obviously and happily agreed. She proceeded to make a much longer video than Jean’s where she talked for about two to three minutes about her living conditions, her leg, and ofcourse her appreciation and salutations to Jean and the rest back here at Abba. Another great thing about these E-cards, if you will, is that Fern, being hard of hearing, can just plug straight into my laptop to listen to Jean or when she wants to playback the message. When she finished her message, we chatted for a little bit, and eventually left, feeling better connected to Fern as well as Jean.
Obviously, I returned the message to Jean, who was delighted to hear from her friend. The two have been exchanging messages back and forth on my laptop now, to which I am glad to be the “mailman” . Next time we might get a few more faces for Fern, and we might film a bit more of Fern’s new and temporary home for Jean to see.
**
Bringing it back to my airplane trip and the emergency card—this is what any Millenial is about. Maybe it’s not necessarily playing mail man to two older folks. But making a difference. Which frankly is relative, but whenever I do this for them, I feel like I’m doing something significant. I’m not feeding millions of children or ripping down corrupt governments, but I am bridging the gap for two individuals and moreso, I think. I think I feel like I’m bridging the gap between my generation and theirs. Bringing technology and its benefits to their fingertips. It’s exciting, and I’m glad to be part of something as rewarding as that.
And that’s real success.